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So, what now?

A little glimpse to help you understand what happens in the mind of someone with BPD, and what I do to cope.

At

this point, you’re probably wondering a lot of things. Fortunately, I have a lot of answers! Unfortunately, though, there’s a lot I don’t even know about myself…but I will certainly do the best I can. Today has only just begun for me, as started work at 8 and will be here until around 6pm, at which point I will go cash my cheque, go home, do some serious meal-prep, take my giant puppies for a walk, and go to the gym. Between my two jobs, my “children,” and my love of working out, I don’t really have a lot of time for myself. Perfect. Just how I like it.

You

see, the less time I have for myself, the less time I have to think or focus on what’s going on in my life. I have a pretty great life compared to some people, but my brain doesn’t quite understand that yet. It still thinks nothing more could go wrong, and that causes every moment to be a constant fight against myself. This becomes exhausting very quickly. I’ll try to paint a picture here, because I know how hard this can be to understand if you don’t have BPD, depression, or similar conditions. Okay, so…

Picture

two versions of yourself. One of you is dressed in your favourite colour, holding your favourite thing in the world, dancing around your favourite place you have ever been. This version of you is super happy and feels as though nothing could be wrong in the world. You have all these people you love, all these wonderful things and places, and no worries or concerns. Now for the other version.

The other you is dressed in all black (unless that’s your favourite colour), hood up, facemask on, sledgehammer in hand. But it’s you, and you know it’s you, but it’s the worst version of yourself it could possibly be. This you carries all of your debts, burdens, shames, mistakes, worries, and fears. You speak them clearly for everyone to hear. There is no hiding anything.

These

two you’s are walking towards each other, bickering. The happy you is talking about all of the wonderful things in your life and how many amazing things you have done for yourself and other people. The dark, cruel you is talking about all of the things you have done wrong today, last week, last month, and 15 years ago. You’re literally fighting against yourself.

This all

happens in my mind. It is real and it is horrifying. I deal with this every minute of every day, as do many, many other people. Every word we say, we second guess. Every breath we take, we either regret or think about how thankful we are that we even have the will to take that breath. There’s a lot of grey areas. Am I happy, or is this just a pre-emotion to the train wreck I’m going to be later? Does he really love me, or is he cheating on me every time we aren’t together? Why does my family even still stay in touch with me? Do my dogs only ever see my angry side? Help.

and this doesn’t really stop, to be honest. Sure, it’s manageable, but it’s always there. Now, I don’t want to leave this on a depressing note, so I’m going to finish with the point I’ve wanted to make since I started writing this post hours and hours ago.

What helps?

Well, I’m glad you asked. I already told you keeping my mind off things really helps. So I work around 70 hours per week. This usually keeps my mind off of things. But not always. I have my “children” An 8 month old St. Bernard and a 3 month old Bernese Mountain Pup. These are the true loves of my life, and they (especially my Saint, who is my service dog) make me happier than pretty well anything. In addition to this, I’ve mentioned that I enjoy working out. My boyfriend and I have a gym membership (that we really don’t use enough) and I have a separate membership to a place where I take random classes. My all time favourite is Pole Fitness. It is one heck of a workout, super fun, I get to embrace my inner superstar, and I am always happier after leaving. I don’t often feel “happy” leaving therapy, per say, but it always helps to talk to someone. I have an outreach worker, who I contact just randomly when I feel I need some advice, and she’s awesome. Finally, my human support system. My boyfriend and my best friend understand the issues I go through regularly. Although they do not share the same diagnoses, they are always comforting and willing to tell me how it is. I can’t imagine what I’d do without them.

In

conclusion, there is always someone or something that can help-not eliminate-symptoms of your illnesses. And if you’re ever needing some ideas, there are a ton on Google! Also, you can always hit me up for advice. I have lots of coping strategies I would love to share. 🙂 Xo for now.

-B

First Blog Post

Just my first blog to give you all a little background 🙂

Hey everyone! Welcome to my blog and thanks so much for wanting to be a part of it! I wanted to write an initial post to tell everyone why I’m here and what inspired me to do this. First, I’m an avid hobby-writer. I love to write anything; songs, poems, short stories, etc. I even wrote tests in college to escape having to take a comm class because I felt like I already knew everything (turns out I did) so that was cool. I’m 19 and I love working with people and helping them work through their issues. This is mostly due to the fact that I’ve been through (and am still going through) a lot of my own. I have had depression since I was 11. Yup, still hasn’t gone away, despite people telling me I was “just sad” and that it would “go away.” Unfortunately, people don’t realize that this issues are comprised of both parts of “nature vs. nurture” debates. There’s a chemical imbalance with the neurotransmitters in my brain that causes me to be sick, mentally. What I did not know, until this year, was why the antidepressants weren’t working. I mean, if it’s an imbalance, it can be treated. Right? Well, not so much.

Upon many trips to the hospital, late night calls to my best friend, crying-on-the-floor-sessions with my boyfriend, and random outbursts, I made an appointment with my family doctor. We discovered that the antidepressants weren’t working, so he referred me to a psychiatrist. (Yes, after 7 years of depression, this was my FIRST psychiatric assessment.) My wonderful boyfriend attended this appointment with me, as I was crazy nervous, and the three of us had a long conversation. Near the end of the visit, I learned I had ALL the symptoms of BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder. To be completely honest, this was such a relief for me! To know I was not alone, to know that there is an actual mental health disorder for all these things I was feeling and doing, was super satisfying. I wasn’t the only one. This was incredible.

So, I started doing some research on BPD, and told some of the closer people in my life about the recent diagnosis. I got a lot of “Ooh, yeah that kind of makes sense…” and a lot of “I don’t believe in that stuff.” Either way, I knew what I knew and I immediately began looking for ways I could donate myself (while still alive of course) for research, as we need to know more about this!

Now, several months later, I’m here, writing this blog, so that you fellow-bloggers (and anyone else) can have a glimpse into the mind of someone like me. It’s not overly exciting, but trust me, it’s one heck of a roller coaster.

 

Remember, you’re never alone!